Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Need To Get This Off My Chest

I've been putting this off, but it's time to talk about the ESPN Monday Night crew (such as it is). After 3 games with them in 8 days (last Mon., Fri., and yesterday), I feel like my head is about to explode and I see why serial killers all have that glazed, dead look in their eyes.

First, the best Theisman-related comment I've heard about the MNF broadcast was from an Iggles fan of course, and I think it sums Theisman's broadcast career up perfectly: "Nothing good has come out of Theisman since his leg bone!" Honestly, he was a great QB once, but the ONLY thing I will ever remember about him is that he never shuts up about his own washed-up career, and that he crashed his car into a statue where I live in VA, while drunk driving, twice, on 2 different occasions. Oh, and get this, betcha didn't know this, but Theisman used to play football for the Washington Redskins. Yeah, that's obscure, isn't it? Never knew that, didja? Who knew? You learn something every day. Actually, you learn this fact every 3 friggin minutes of every broadcast he's ever been on. Talk about your rote memorization.

Now Kornheiser, he's just a hater. He *almost* makes me able to tolerate Theisman, who seems to always be having to defend some player against a Tony rip. Granted, Theisman gushes over almost every player in the league, so you end up with 2 extremes: hating and blowing, hating and blowing, hating and blowing - just like most of my romantic relationships. And just like me with those relationships, you appreciate the intensity, but you really just want some peace and quiet. That's why I find myself muting these guys so often.

And does Kornheiser really need a 3'x4' fact-filled chart to talk about football? Hell, give me 3 post-it-notes, 2 Red Bulls, a pack of smokes, and some scribbles on the back of a coaster and I'll do a better job. In fact, we all would.

Mike Tirico, I wouldn't miss. Hell, I hardly know he's there in the first place. In fact, I never knew who he was (other than his name) until 2 weeks ago, and yes I follow sports pretty closely - not saying I could take on the Schwab or anything in trivia, but God, give us somebody with some street cred will ya, ESPN? He's like a poor-man's Brian Gumble (who himself is like a poor-man's Brian Gumble).

I have a question, how long is ESPN stuck with these guys? Can't they just dump them now and beg Aikman/Buck to break their contracts and fill in? Makes you really consider blowing off your plasma widescreen with HD satellite and going down to a sports bar for the MNF games, where you get to spend $75 (DC ain't cheap, people!) to drink beer-flavored water and eat bad wings (again, I live in DC, the wings here suck), where you can't hear the telecast anyway because some arsehole is playing 99 Luftballoons for the 25th time on the jukebox. Or, getting sirius radio and listening to the local broadcast which never matches up with what they're showing on TV anyway. But that's how desperate it's become, and desperate times call for desperate measures. At the least, if I went to a sports bar in DC, I wouldn't have to listen to as much Redskins talk as I would listening to this crew. In fact, Redskins fans only talk football in the offseason, when they and their owner think they're buying their way to the Superbowl every year. That usually quiets down sometime around early to mid-October... but I digress.

On the bright side, at least Paul "First down, AND A LOT MORE!" McGuire isn't a part of this. Hey Paul, the ball is spotted 4 inches past the sticks, I don't know what measuring system you use, but in your world you must have a 3-foot **** - congratulations, buddy.

That is all.

*** UPDATE ***

One thing I failed to mention (thought of it last night) was how sickening it is to know that every MNF game is now going to have Michele T. and Suzie K. on the sidelines with their gruff man-voices and neck-beards, doing some human interest fluff piece about whoever their player du jure (that's the soup of the day, sir) is that week. Oh, Matt Leinart loves cute widdle kittens, Pacman Jones always buys his woman flowers after he smacks her around in the club, T.O. loves his illigitimate kid and likes to bond with him once a year when he sees him, etc., etc.

At least 10 minutes of the broadcast is completely wasted doing this crap. If we wanted human interest fluff pieces, we'd watch Oprah. Or the end of the local TV news. Oh, Joe Horn loves cute fuzzy little baby sheep, and that's what makes him not just a football player, but a human being. So, ladies, go out and buy his jersey, and tune in here every week for pansy-assed soap opera BS that has nothing to do with the game...

Seriously, why don't they fire both of them, and cut to 10 minutes of stock footage of the Princess Diana funeral, and use the money saved to buy more cool cameras for the telecast?

Oh, and for the record: Michele, ya sure, but only after a 6-pack; and Suzie, not if we had to re-populate the earth to continue our species!


Blogger Paulomon Grundy said...

You're such a Buffalo wings snob, but being from Buffalo and such will do that I suppose.

I'm gonna go ahead and have to agree with you on this one [to be said like Lumbergh from Office Space]. The worst announcing crew ever. Tony K, who I kinda liked on PTI, has such an annoying personality and voice to boot...I feel like I'm watching an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm or worse yet, the Nanny. "Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world? EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH." However, Tony is actually a journalist unlike Theismann, so he batters around his Australipithicean co-host to their mutual embarassment. The crew can't possibly last through this season...they have no, how do you say...verve. At least Monday Night Countdown is still going strong.

8/29/2006 3:07 PM  

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